Here’s the headlines. Unless you invest in COVID-19, you’re probably screwed. Time to stock up on emergency ramen . The Turks and Russians saber rattling. Woman tries to resurrect  possum . Police are testing meth, for coronavirus.  I’m John Ford and this is your Overnight Underground News.

Good god the stock market really is taking a huge a coronavirus dump. The Dow was down nearly twelve hundred points at the close of trading on Thursday. It’s the biggest one-day point decline in history, surpassing Monday’s drop of just over a thousand points. If you’re doing the math, the Dow is down over three thousand points since the beginning of the week. Nobody is jumping off buildings yet, but they can’t be happy down lower Manhattan way. Asian and European markets are also spiraling downward Friday morning.

Dow tumbles 500 points as worst week since the financial crisis continues

CNBC 28 mins ago Fred Imbert and Eustance Huang Stocks tumbled once again on Friday, adding to the market’s worst week since the financial crisis, as worries over the coronavirus and its impact on the economy continue to rattle investor sentiment. The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 528 points, or more than 2%.

Let’s see what else is happening in the wonderful world of coronavirus: The former Iranian Ambassador to The Vatican, who’s name I have no idea how to pronounce, has died from everyone’s favorite virus. Iran’s vice president for women and family affairs, who also happens to be an immunologist, has tested positive for COVID-19. Tokyo Disneyland is shutting its doors for the time being and Japan is closing schools until April 8th. Switzerland is banning large events. New Zealand has reported its first case. California Governor Newsom says there are now thirty three people infected in his state, and yet sounds very cool, calm and collected. Trump no care, California is kinda’ like Mexico lite. Indisputable tautological evidence from the commander in chief.

Coronavirus: Markets fall as Covid-19 spreads around the world – BBC News

Fears of the coronavirus outbreak have driven down stock markets across the world: The US Dow Jones index fell almost 1,200 points yesterday – its biggest points fall in history Japan’s Nikkei 225 index fell 3% in early trading on Friday Australia’s ASX200 fell by more than 3.5% on Friday “Markets move sharply when fear and uncertainty are prevalent, and there is plenty of both right now,” said Greg McBride, chief financial analyst for Bankrate.com

Are you prepped for the continuing COVID-19 panic? South Koreans have been busy cleaning out the local Costco in one Province. In fact, there is a run on ramen noodles, one local ramen manufacturer says its noodly warehouse is empty. Other big sellers on the Korean pandemic preparedness list include rice and hand sanitizer. Sure, just add a little of that tasty Korean red chili paste and hand sanitizer makes a nice sauce for rice. So, just how bad are things in South Korea? Bad enough that a South Korean official in charge of the ‘coronavirus outbreak’ has allegedly comitted suicide. According to the Filipino Times, he stopped his car in the middle of the Han River bridge, jumped off and subsequently died. He was reportedly heard muttering just before he leapt to his death.

South Korean official in charge of ‘coronavirus outbreak’ commits suicide

An official from the South Korea Justice Ministry reportedly took his life and jumped off the Han River and died. In a report on Arirang and Seoul Economic Daily, the man came from the Office of Emergency Safety Planning at the Ministry of Justice.

Oh jeez, now dogs may be catching the coronavirus. The Sun is reporting, if you can call what they do reporting, that a dog has tested positive for COVID-19 in Hong Kong. If the diagnosis is confirmed, the infected pomeranian would be the first pet with the virus. Great, now not only do we have to worry about pooches catching the plague, they could be responsible for spreading the damn thing. This is not good news for dogs all the way around in China. Rumors spread last month that Chinese officials were rounding up pets and euthanizing them to stop the spread of coronavirus. Police in the Sichuan Province in China have reportedly knocked on doors and ordered residents to give up their pets before killing them.

Meanwhile in Syria, the Turks and Russians are just short of committing to a declared shooting war. At least thirty three Turkish soldiers were killed on Thursday by air-strikes from Syrian forces. Well, that’s who’s being blamed publicly for it anyway. Turkey says it struck back with strikes on some two hundred Syrian government targets. NATO envoy’s are meeting in Brussels to discuss the situation at Turkey’s request and Russia has sent two warships through the Bosphorus straits en route to Syria. Russia is blaming Ankara for the death of Turkish troops. It’s a very Russian thing to do, “You are to blame for being under the bombs.” Turkey has once again opened its borders allowing immigrants to flow toward Europe, and is now calling for a no-fly zone over Idlib. The Middle East, it’s the bend over, happy fun-time gift that just keeps on giving.

Turkey calls for no-fly zone over Syria’s Idlib – Republic World

Turkey on Friday called on the international community to establish a no-fly zone over the northwestern province of Idlib to protect civilians from Syrian regime bombardments a day after the killing of 33 Turkish soldiers. “The international community must act to protect civilians and impose a no-fly-zone,” Fahrettin Altun, communications director at the Turkish presidency, said on Twitter.

They’re trying to raise the dead in Waukesha, Wisconsin, dead possums that is. Patch reports that police in Waukesha received reports of a woman who was performing a “spiritual ritual” on a dead possum in the middle of the street. According to the cops. The woman stood over the animal and began throwing goldfish and windshield washer fluid on the dead animal. The police logs state that, “She then pulled out a green bay packer lawn chair and yelled ‘repent’ at the dead animal.” Witnesses stated that the woman then drove from the scene driving erratically. Meth, it’s a hell of a drug.

Woman Tried Making Dead Possum ‘Repent’ In Waukesha: Police

WAUKESHA, WI – Police in Waukesha say they received reports of a woman who was performing a “spiritual ritual” on a dead possum in the middle of a Waukesha street. According to Waukesha Police call logs, officers were sent to the intersection of Springdale Road and Bluemound Road just after 1 p.m.

In Merrill, Wisconsin the police have both meth and coronavirus covered with their cunning plan. The po-po is asking tweakers to turn in their meth so it can be checked for coronavirus. A Facebook post from the police department exclaims that the cops will test your meth for free and even make house calls. Come on, you can trust them tweakers, the police wouldn’t lie to you, much.

Wisconsin police department offers to test your meth for coronavirus

BRISBANE, Australia (WJW) – The family of a 9-year-old Australian boy who went viral after his mother shared a video on social media of him being bullied at school has declined a crowdfunded trip to Disneyland. Quaden Bayles, who was born with a form of dwarfism called Achondroplasia, won the support of well-wishers around the world who saw the video.

Freddy Mercury has been immortalized with his very own street in London. The street, now renamed Mercury Close, is located west London, which is where the Queen singer’s family settled after moving from Zanzibar. It is just a coincidence, but the street happens to be a dead end.

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It’s the Overnight Underground, here’s the headlines. Coronavirus panic overtakes the planet. President Trump Pandemic. North Korea busy working on a cure. Drive an expensive car? You’re probably an a**hole.  I’m John Ford and this is your Overnight Underground News.

Not sure you’ve noticed, but this coronavirus shit is really getting out of control. Let’s see: Germany’s health minister says the country is at the beginning of a coronavirus epidemic. France’s Macron, quote ‘We are facing a crisis, an epidemic.’ Dozens are being monitored for the virus on Long Island. Japan’s Prime Minister Abe will ask all schools to close for most of next month. San Francisco is taking no chances, the city, along with Orange County down south, has declared a state of emergency just in case the hits the fan. As opposed to just laying in little piles all over the streets like normal.

Northern California has also confirmed the first case of unknown origin in the US. The person suffering from the virus has no known exposure to COVID-19 through travel or close contact with a known infected individual.  And a woman in Japan appears to have contracted the virus, twice, twice. 

President Trump gave a somewhat optimistic press conference on Wednesday, despite the frenzied media coverage. No truth to the rumors that once off-mic and asked what he would do if he catches the virus, the President said, “I don’t worry, I have plenty of Mountain Dew, canned soup and NyQuil.”

The virus has not necessarily gone airbourne per say, but a flight attendant based in LA has been diagnosed with a new form of coronavirus. New form huh, what is it corona light? It’s speculated that the attendant caught the virus while servicing a flight between South Korea and Tel Aviv.  The infection comes one day after a US soldier also came down with coronavirus in South Korea. I wonder if the stewardess caught it from airplane ?

Flight attendant diagnosed with Coronavirus after trip to LAX

One day after authorities confirmed a Korean Air flight attendant who worked flights out of Los Angeles International Airport was diagnosed with coronavirus, Mayor Eric Garcetti assured residents that extensive precautions are being taken at the airport to help prevent a spread of the virus, on Wednesday, Feb. 26.

No really, COVID-19  spreading by flatulence  is actually a thing. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention of the Tongzhou district in Beijing is clarifying that , normally, does not constitute another transmission route of the virus.There is one caveat, if the smeller takes a good, close sniff of gas from a pantless patient. In conclusion, as long as everyone is wearing pants, the vapors will not cause a microbiological contamination risk. So wear pants if you have the plague and try and not to 

One thing you can do to protect yourself, according to the CDC, is to shave. Really, this shit IS getting out of control. Yep, the Center for Disease Control says that hipster douchebags should shave their facial hair to prevent coronavirus. Side whiskers, soul patches, lampshades and handlebars are A-OK but stubble, beard and mutton chops, are not recommended because they could interfere with a face mask. Instead the CDC recommends that if you have a beard, smear your face with avocado spread. 

CDC recommends people shave their facial hair to prevent coronavirus

(CNN) – When it comes to novel coronavirus safety, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has some suggestions about facial hair. Side whiskers, soul patches, lampshades and handlebar moustaches are good to go, according to a CDC infographic.

Now, if all this coronavirus stuff has you freaked out, don’t worry too much because North Korea is gonna’ get it all straightened out for the rest of the world. Best Korea state media is claiming that scientists in the country are busy on the case searching for a cure, even though, according to them, the hermit kingdom has no cases of COVID-19. According to the North Korea ministry of extreme tomfoolery and utter horse shit, scientists in Pyongyang have conducted successful tests for an anti-viral vaccine and developed a new “gel” that can be used to protect against the common cold, flu virus and avian flu. 

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OK, here’s my new favorite web page on the Internet. Over at sad and useless dot com, there is a page dedicated to birds that look like Bernie Sanders. Just on a whim, I checked to see if Birdie Sanders dot com was available, nope, someone got it. To be fair, neither is Donald Rump dot com. Check out all the birdie sanders picts at: 

Birds That Look Like Bernie Sanders

We have made fun of Trump countless times on this site. Now it’s time to cut Trump some slack and make a funny gallery about Bernie Sanders… or, as we call him, Birdie Sanders.

As always, links are available at overnightunderground.com

Major league baseball is getting on the equality bandwagon, by appointing their first blind black man. Ok, he’s not really blind, but many fans in the future will swear he is. Kerwin Danley has been promoted to umpire crew chief, the first African American to hold that position. 

True love indeed never forgets. Actor Johnny Depp is in London high court taking on Sun newspaper in the ‘wife beater’ libel case. OK, that’s all well and good, but during the proceedings texts, from Depp, about his ex Amber Herd, were read aloud, and oh my!. In one text to actor friend Paul Bettany Depp said, “Let’s drown her before we burn her!!! I will f–k her burnt corpse afterwards to make sure she is dead.” Ain’t love grand! 

Actor Johnny Depp takes Sun newspaper to court in ‘wife beater’ libel case

LONDON (Reuters) – Hollywood star Johnny Depp appeared in a London court on Wednesday to hear his lawyer argue that Depp’s ex-wife had lied when she accused him of beating her in comments quoted by the tabloid newspaper the Sun.

Science has proven what drivers worldwide have known for decades, the more expensive your ride, the bigger asshole you are. According to researchers from the University of Nevada, expensive car owners feel “a sense of superiority over other road users” and were less able to empathize with the lowly pedestrians. It’s not the first time that science has proven that jerks drive BMW’s, Mercedes and Hummer’s, a Finnish study published last month noted that men who own flashy, expensive cars are more likely to be “argumentative, stubborn, disagreeable and un-empathetic.” Let’s face it, the science is settled on this one. The research also proved that the best way to tell the difference between a BMW and a porcupine was that the porcupine has pricks on the outside. 

If you drive an expensive car you may be a jerk, scientists say

The science is looking pretty unanimous on this one: Drivers of expensive cars are the worst.

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It’s the Overnight Underground, here’s the headlines: The CDC and Wall Street says maybe it’s time to panic. Your 401k is wheezing from inside the quarantine. What do American’s want from political debates? (byte) Donald Trump is now a gay icon and Biden auditions for alzheimer’s. I’m John Ford and you’re tuned to The Overnight Underground News.

The stock market pandemic purge day two, infection boogaloo. The coronavirus, despite the fact that it hasn’t really wildly infected the US yet, has wiped out over one point seven trillion dollars in stock market value in just two days. The Dow was down nearly 900 points on Tuesday. Your 401k was last seen wearing a face mask, gasping for air and looking a little poorly. 

Speaking of the pandemic: The CDC is warning Americans that the likelihood of a coronavirus outbreak in the states is inevitable and everyone needs to be prepared. Oh, and they also said, “this might be bad.” CDC honchos also went on record that covid-19 will likely ‘become a global pandemic.” (byte) Good times, good times. All that being said, President Trump says we’re prepared for coronavirus here in Merca, (bite) Mitt Romney, says not so much. Romney told senior Trump administration officials Tuesday that the government is not adequately prepared for coronavirus and that the stock market killing plague may spread more widely in America. As of Tuesday, there were 53 confirmed cases in the US. You know, it’s a good thing Americans don’t have huge copays on healthcare that would prevent them from seeking treatment for cold-like symptoms.

Down under, covid-19 fears are creating panic over, Coke Zero and Diet Coke supplies. The Coca Cola corporation has gone on record in Australia that artificial sweeteners from China could be in shorter supply if the outbreak continues to spread. Australia goin’ all mad max with diet cola hoarding and who knows, maybe the next war will not be fought over oil, but aspartame. . 

The fun began even before the debates started Tuesday night. Joe Biden had a very senior moment in South Cackalackie when he told a crowd that he was a candidate for the Senate, not the Presidency. (byte)  Somebody needs to take grandpa Joe home, before this goes from mildly amusing to downright sad and embarrassing. 

Joe Biden says he’s a ‘candidate for US Senate’ in latest gaffe

If only being president didn’t involve public speaking. Jaws dropped at a major South Carolina Democratic event when Joe Biden referred to himself as “a Democratic candidate for the United States Senate.” Speaking Monday evening at the “First in the South Dinner,” the presidential hopeful delivered remarks about returning the White House and the Senate to Democratic control before making the error.

Without going into a big song and dance about the Tuesday night train-wreck that was the  Democrat Debates in South Carolina, here’s the take-away. (byte) Everyone talking over each other, Bernie trying to talk back his commie past while the rest of the candidates painted a target on his back, orange man bad, free stuff and phony heartstrings for whichever voting tribe they are trying to pander to and oh yea, legal weed for everyone. Here’s one good zinger from the debate from Mayor Pete. (byte)

Trump gets the thumbs up to play gay anthems at his rallys. You betcha’, YMCA and Macho Man are back on the menu for Trump at his events, despite the fact that fans of the Village People had asked the group to block Trump from playing their catalogue. Trump just this week waddled his wide load to the stage as the loudspeakers played “Macho Man” at the rally in India. They really should have played Nacho Man. President Donald Trump, now a bonifide gay icon. And just to prove how macho our man in Washington is, Trump got into a pissing match with CNN’s Jim Acosta. (byte) What was it all about, who cares, it’s just fun to listen to the President and the media lose their shit. 

Village People gives Trump OK to play gay anthems ‘YMCA,’ ‘Macho Man’ at rallies

Village People, the American disco group behind the hits “YMCA,” “Macho Man” and “In the Navy,” has given the go-ahead for President Donald Trump to plays its songs at events, despite being “inundated” with requests from fans urging the band to block the president’s use of the music.

 The FCC received over one thousand complaints over this year’s SuperBowl, with most of the angry citizens upset over the halftime show. Quite a few of the complaints came from the Lone Star State, reports KVUE-TV. The angry citizens complained that the Jennifer Lopez and Shakira segments contained  “Extreme booty shaking,” “pole dancing” and “S&M outfits.” Well, it’s not like anyone tuned in to listen to their music anyway. In response to the complaints, next year’s halftime show will feature women in burkas performing Middle Eastern music.

‘We had to shield our children’s eyes’: Super Bowl halftime show with J.Lo, Shakira draws FCC complaints

DALLAS – “Extreme booty shaking,” “pole dancing” and “S&M outfits.” That’s how fans described this year’s Super Bowl LIV halftime show featuring performances by Jennifer Lopez and Shakira, according to the more than 1,300 complaints filed with the Federal Communications Commission in the hours following the Feb. 2 national broadcast.

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The market takes a coronavirus dump. The World Health Organization uses the P word. Harvey Weinstein Guilty.  Buffett backs Bloomberg.  Raw, frozen potato in your patootie, more likely than you think. I’m John Ford and this is your Overnight Underground News.

Stocks fell off a cliff on Monday, mainly due to coronavirus pandemic worries. Although fears over Bernie getting the Democratic party nomination undoubtedly gave Wall Street sympathetic fever and chills. Airline and casino stocks took it on the chin, with American Airlines off nearly ten percent midday. Chipmakers and the tech boys were also having a bad day, with shares of Apple down close to five percent at close. The Dow lost over one thousand points giving up yearly gains and its worst drop in two years. European and Asian markets continue to take a hit on Tuesday with the Dow showing a slight upward tick in overnight trading, but that could spiral as well if Warren Buffett gets the sniffles. So what stock were up? Pharmaceuticals made gains and cleaning product stocks were also up. Clorox had a good day. Who would have thought the future was in bleach. (byte-plastics) No Bleach. 

The World Health Organization has uttered the P word. (byte)  On Monday the WHO said the world should be “in a phase of preparedness” and do more to prepare for a possible coronavirus pandemic. (Byte) The World Health Organization Director-General, who’s name is completely unpronounceable, so I won’t even try. After the microphones were off, the director general was allegedly overheard saying “Wash your hands already you damn dirty apes.”  Let’s see, in other coronavirus news: Iran’s President Rouhani is pleading with his countrymen not to panic, but maybe he should start with his own cabinet as Iran’s deputy health minister has tested positive for the virus. Mission Impossible 7 has halted production in Venice due to the coronavirus fears. Pray for Tom, the poor sod is reportedly in lockdown at the five star Gritti Palace in Venice. Eh, look at it this way, if Cruise gets sick, they can just change the name of the picture to “Remission Impossible.”

Tom Cruise forced to halt Mission Impossible filming after Coronavirus strikes in Venice

TOM Cruise is fleeing to Britain from an Italian film set as coronavirus panic sweeps Europe. The action superstar, 57, was evacuated from the new Mission: Impossible movie in Venice – deemed a high-risk area by Italian authorities. A production source last night revealed that the cast and crew were “frightened” as the coronavirus death toll in Italy reached seven.

In New York on Monday, Harvey Weinstein was found (byte) of rape in the third degree and criminal sexual acts in the first degree. Weinstein learned his fate after having a nice breakfast at the four seasons, and could now face over nine thousand breakfasts behind bars as the rape in the third degree charge could garner Harvey 25 years in the pokey. His journey from Miramax to Supermax continues next month when sentencing for the convicted sleaze ball will take place on March eleventh. Weinstein was all set to enjoy his stay at Rikers after the judge refused bail for the former Hollywood royalty. But Harvey, with his trusty walker by his side, started complaining of chest pains and was taken to Bellevue Hospital for tests. The tests will undoubtedly confirm that Harvey will be positive for terminal douchebaggery. 

Over the weekend it was Clint Eastwood who gave Mike Bloomberg the thumbs up, now Warren Buffett is jumping on the Bloomberg bandwagon. (byte) Buffett voiced his support for the fellow billionaire on CNBC’s Squawk Box. The only ones not jumping on the Bloomberg bandwagon appears to be the voters, who seem content and blissfully oblivious to the yoke and rope of Bernie’s five year plans.

Speaking of Bernie, he continues to get flack over comments he made about his former BFF and Cuban commie comrade Fidel Castro. (byte) Bernie commenting on remarks he made on 60 minutes back in the ‘80s. So what’s the big deal? It’s all about Florida. Without the South Florida Cuban vote, where Castro, although long dead, is still universally hated, Democrats worry that Sanders can’t win the State. For Cubans it’s a long standing grudge, after all, Castro is the reason why they’re all stuck in Florida in the first place.

Florida Dems in uproar after Sanders’ Cuba comments

MIAMI – Bernie Sanderssays he’s the Democrat best-equippedto defeat Donald Trump in November. But Florida Democrats insist he’sthe worst-equippedafter Sanders’s refusal Sunday night to thoroughly condemn the Cuban Revolution.

If you haven’t heard, President Trump is in India, and that gives us a perfect excuse to point out just how stupid and ill informed the majority of the public is. There has been a big spike with searches for “where is India” and better yet, “what is India” on Google search since Trump hopped on his iron bird to visit India. The web site Indy 100 has nice graphs and pictures laying it all out for you, because some of you have difficulty with numbers above ten without taking off your shoes. So where do the biggest India idiots live, no it’s not Florida or Texas, topping the list for both searches is New Jersey. New Hampshire didn’t do well either. Oh, and DC, but come on, that’s not surprising at all now is it. 

In a somewhat related story, doctors are warning morons everywhere that sticking frozen french fries up your booty will not cure hemorrhoids. Apparently this screwball medical advice is coming from web sites that are advising pile sufferers to slice raw potato into french fried sized slivers, freeze them and then insert the frosty buggers into your nether regions. The Examiner reports that doctors are advising against the home remedy saying its dangerous, and not to mention a waste of potatoes. (byte) Still, it does give new meaning to potato wedgies, wedges. 

Doctors warning people not to insert frozen potatoes

Sufferers too embarrassed to seek medical help are trying the latest wacky ‘home remedy’, but doctors have warned it could be dangerous and you shouldn’t do it. A number of online websites suggest a frozen French fry-sized piece of potato inserted internally for 30 seconds is just the ticket for pile sufferers.

The Japanese and their aberrant desire to put mayonnaise on everything just got weirder. No, they’re not putting mayo in their rectum (byte), but let’s not give them any ideas. Food and Wine magazine notes that a Japanese company is now selling prepackaged slices of mayonnaise.  The plastic wrapped mayo slabs will come in a number of flavors including tuna mayonnaise and spicy cod roe. All this just to make the devil’s condiment even more odious. These are the same people who introduced shrimp mayo doritos a few years back. Shrimp mayo doritos… what do you call a crustacean, an emulsion, and an abomination.

Individual Slices of Mayo Arrive in Japan Next Month

Here’s a concept to file under “where have you been all my life?” Or at least under “where have you been since 2018?” That year, a Kickstarter called ” Slice of Sauce” went viral for crowdsourcing money to release no-mess slices of ketchup.

Yes seagulls are indeed dirty, dirty birds. Wildlife photographer Jennifer Leigh caught more wildlife than she anticipated when she visited the seaside in La Jolla, California. Leigh caught a flock of seagulls fighting over and seemingly enjoying a sex toy while on the wing over the pacific. Ladbible dot com has all the hot seagull sex toy action in all it’s vivid pictorial splendor, if you’re into that sort of thing. 

Wildlife Photographer Shocked To Find Flock Of Seagulls Playing With A Dildo

Conservation wildlife photographer Jennifer Leigh visited the Children’s Pool in La Jolla, California, on Tuesday in the hope of capturing snaps of some newborn seals in the area. But her head was turned by a rowdy flock of juvenile seagulls playing with what appeared to be a bit of plastic.

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