It’s the Overnight Underground Podcast, and now the headlines:

DC and South Florida go on lockdown. New York cops bust a speakeasy. Gas now cheap as chips. Whole Foods workers walkout and Mayor Cuomo’s nipple piercings are trending. I’m John Ford and here’s today’s Overnight Underground News.

DC  jail and fines for breaking lockdown

The Mayor in DC is threatening a ninety day jail sentence for breaking the city’s new coronavirus stay at home order. Needless to say, this has both civil libertarians and local residents panties all in a bunch. The DC Mayor is being a little cagey on her answer regarding jail sentences for those who break the stay at home order in the nation’s capital. My question is, and put them where? Many states are releasing prisoners from jails due to coronavirus, this mayor wants to incarcerate more non-violent criminals.

South Florida lockdown commences

South East Florida joins the crowd with stay at home orders in the US. The Florida Governor ordered residents Miami-Dade, Broward, Palm Beach and Monroe Counties to stay home through the fifteenth of April. Nearly sixty percent of Florida’s Covid-19 cases come from these counties.

Two thirds of country on lock down

If you’re keeping count of such things, nearly three quarters, as in seventy five percent of all American’s are under stay at home orders. As of yesterday, thirty US states, Washington DC, and Puerto Rico are under lock down orders, only to venture out for essential services like food and medicine. That’s over two hundred and fifty million people with nothing to do except whittle toilet paper out of old furniture in their garage.

Three-quarters of all Americans have been ordered to stay at home. This map shows which cities and states are under lockdown.

Thirty states have issued stay-at-home orders, encouraging isolation measures to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. Some metro areas in states without such orders – including Birmingham, Alabama; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; and Houston and Dallas, Texas – are also under stay-at-home orders.

Cops bust speakeasy in NYC

Well, you knew this was bound to happen, New York Police have busted a speakeasy in Brooklyn. According to the cops, around a dozen people were found drinking and gambling inside the establishment. No truth to the rumor that their cover was blown from someone writing a bad review of the joint on yelp.

Cheap gas and nowhere to go

Gas sure is cheap. According to a quick search by this reporter, gas here in the capital of the Lone Star state is a buck and a half a gallon. One gas station in Ohio is selling regular for under a dollar a gallon. All this is true, but where the hell are you gonna’ go? Everyone is on lockdown. The national average for a gallon of gas is around two bucks. The Saudi price war with the Russians along with the weak demand for petrol from consumers due to coronavirus is driving and keeping the prices down. So head down to the local BP, fill up the tank, and just dream of all the places you can’t go with gas this cheap!

Power to the Pickles!

If you were thinking of heading to the local Whole Foods today, you might want to pick the Piggly Wiggly instead. Whole Foods employees are planning a strike today in protest over a lack of protections offered during the pandemic. It’s a first for the chain since its inception back in the dark ages of 1980. Of course, back then the chain wasn’t owned by the richest person on the planet. The are demanding paid leave for workers who stay home or self-quarantine during the crisis, free coronavirus testing, and a hazard pay of double the current hourly wage. Who would have ever thought that we would see the day when grocery store workers would strike for hazard pay.

Whole Foods Workers Prepare for Strike Due to Virus Exposure Concerns

As demand surges during the COVID-19 pandemic, some front-line grocery and delivery workers, increasingly concerned over their own health and safety, are holding strikes and walkouts. Whole Foods employees are calling for a nationwide “sick out” on Tuesday to protest the lack of protections low-wage workers serving the community have during the coronavirus pandemic.

Cuomo: Nipple ring or not?

The important Internet question of the day, does New York Mayor Andrew Cuomo have pierced nipples. Well, at least it’s the important question of the day for The Standard’s ability to get more clicks. According to the Standard, Cuomo has been trending for the last twenty four hours for nipple piercings. Does the intrepid Governor have not only one but two piercings? (bite-who cares) Does this make him even more of a wild-card write in for Democratic nominee for President?  Really, who the hell cares?

The Internet thinks Governor Andrew Cuomo has ‘nipple piercings’

The hottest luxury and A List news New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has drawn praise for his decisive response to the coronavirus pandemic, but in the last 24 hours he’s been trending for a different reason. After photos of Cuomo emerged at a March 27 press conference, during which he announced that the first 1,000-bed temporary hospital had been built at Jacob K.

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It’s the Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the headlines:

Trump extends stay at home. Pelosi calls kettle black. Florida checkpoints activate. New York to fine for not social distancing. Rocket surgeons can be idiots too. Vodka and saunas all you need. These stories and more on today’s Overnight Underground News, I’m John Ford.    

Trump extends stay at home

President Trump extended the stay at home order, suggestion, whatever you want to call it, another thirty days. Yesterday, the President told Americans to stick with the plan for another thirty days, until the end of April. It’s almost like the Easter Bunny came out of his hole, saw his holy hand grenade  and proclaimed another thirty days of quarantine. 

Pelosi says bad things about the President (I’m shocked!)

Nancy Pelosi wasted no time making the coronavirus crisis even more of a partisan political cluster-fuck, if that’s even possible.  House leader Pelosi on CNN. Meanwhile on NBC, talking head Chuck Todd asked presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden about Trump’s handling of the crisis. Well that wasn’t a loaded question at all. Biden actually doesn’t take the troll bait and answers calmly and thoughtfully. Of course there is one problem with his response. He assumes that Trump can actually form a logical thought. Really, America, this is the best we can do, Trump or this doddering old man. Forget the broken health care system, our political system is beyond repair. 

Florida sets up roadblocks against New York and New Orleans

The State of Florida is going the extra mile to keep infected New Yorkers and New Orleans out of the Sunshine State, Gee, if they would only thought of that about fifty years ago. Florida has set up checkpoints on I-10  so that travelers coming into Florida will now be required to complete a traveler form. Travelers from Louisiana, New York, New Jersey and Connecticut will be shot, no they won’t be shot, they’ll be told they have to be isolated for 14 days. Texas has also followed suit, ordering some motorists from Louisiana to self-quarantine for two weeks as well.

Texas to enforce quarantine orders to Louisiana drivers entering state

Gov. Greg Abbott is tightening travel to Texas by ordering some motorists from Louisiana to self-quarantine for two weeks. The new travel restrictions come as Louisiana’s status as a novel coronavirus hotspot grew Sunday to more than 3,500 positive cases statewide.

French police man the phones

You think Florida police have their work cut out for them, pity the poor French police. French authorities set up a special hotline for coronavirus questions, and of course, you know what happened next. The police have been fielding very French questions, including: “Can my husband go and see his mistress” and “A stranger caressed my horse, is there a risk it is contaminated?”. Ahh the French. And of course my favorite, “Do I need to buy an actual flag or will any rectangle of white cloth work?                             

NYC social distance law $

Meanwhile in the Empire State, Emperor, uh, Mayor Bill de Blasio said Sunday that City residents who break social distancing rules will be subject to fines up to five hundred dollars, citizen. Politico reports that the Mayor has authorized police officers to cite people who are ordered to disperse but don’t. 

NYC tells crooners to STFU

You know those uplifting stories about how the brave Italians are overcoming their lockdowns by singing from their balconies and verandas in Rome? Well, American’s take heart, here’s what happens when New Yorkers try to do it the Italian way. I do believe they call that the Italian-American response. Even Eddy Murphy would be proud. 

Zoe Stuckless on Twitter

How NYC handles balcony singing https://t.co/Z7nkvQUKcT

Celeb Updates

Some sad news as celebrity infections and deaths continue to mount. Country crooner and DJ Joe Diffie has died at the age of 61 due to coronavirus complications. One of America’s most beloved singer-songwriters, John Prine is in critical care with symptoms consistent with Covid-19. And  CBS journalist Maria Mercader is also a casualty of the virus, she died over the weekend at age 54.

John Prine Hospitalized With COVID-19 Symptoms: ‘His Situation Is Critical’

John Prine has been hospitalized since Thursday after suffering from symptoms synonymous with the novel . While Prine’s exact medical condition is unclear, “his situation is critical,” his family said in a statement Sunday. “After a sudden onset of COVID-19 symptoms, John was hospitalized on Thursday.

Rocket surgeon strikes again

Yes, even an astrophysicist can sometimes be an idiot. From The Guardian, Australian astrophysicist Dr Daniel Reardon from Melbourne university was hospitalized following a failed attempt to make a coronavirus warning device. It seems that the good doctor was trying to invent a contraption that would warn the user if they were getting ready to touch their face. Dr Reardon was admitted to the emergency room with a malady that usually only targets toddlers, he had numerous magnets stuck up his nose. Dr Magneto is seems stuck two magnets up his nostrils, he the attempted removal with more magnets, which of course also got stuck. Just give him an MRI, everything will sort itself out in the end. 

Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device

An Australian astrophysicist has been admitted to hospital after getting four magnets stuck up his nose in an attempt to invent a device that stops people touching their faces during the coronavirus outbreak. Dr Daniel Reardon, a research fellow ata Melbourne university, was building a necklace that sounds an alarm on facial contact, when the mishap occurred on Thursday night.

Vodka and Sauna is all you need

Moscow is on lockdown, but in Belarus, the President of the country believes that all you need is vodka and a sauna to cure the coronavirus. Belarus president Alexander Lukashenko has gone on record that countries that have gone on lockdown are in the throes of a “psychosis.” Sure, we’re psychotic but you, Mr President, are completely sane with your vodak and steam baths. According to the Times of London, Lukashenko said, “People should not only wash their hands with vodka but also poison the virus with it. You should drink the equivalent of 40-50 milliliters of rectified spirit daily. But not at work.” Maybe the President should follow his own advice, sounds like he’s been drinking on the job. Still, just think of the cure rate if you drink vodka while in the sauna!

Tractors and vodka will cure Belarus of the coronavirus, says leader

As the world scrambles to discover a cure for the coronavirus, the strongman leader of Belarus is promoting his own unique recipe for staying healthy: drink vodka, work hard in the countryside and visit the sauna. President Alexander Lukashenko has mocked what he calls the “panic” gripping countries that have imposed lockdowns to minimise deaths.

Hungary burns Reichstag

Meanwhile in Hungary,  The Hungarian Parliament has passed a bill that gives Prime Minister Orbán unlimited power. Instituting a state of emergency w/o time limit, suspension of Parliament, no elections, up to five years in prison for spreading fake news (whatever that means) and up to eight years in prison for leaving quarantine. The Germans who can still remember 1930’s Germany say this all sounds very familiar.

Build a better rat trap

And finally our only non-coronavirus story today comes from the beautiful city of Detroit, Michigan. In the Eastpoint suburb of Detroit, one cunning resident devised a clever plan to get rid of his rat problem. The homeowner decided his rodent problem was so out of control he needed to improvise with a controlled demolition. Yep, he built a bomb to get rid of the rats. So, you know where this is going, the explosion damaged two houses and he ended up in the hoosegow. 

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The Overnight Underground Podcast. Here’s the Headlines.

USA is number one. Boris gets the bug. Naked on the Bull Market. Mexican’s demand border enforcement and Drone TP delivery in San Francisco. I’m John Ford, now today’s Overnight Underground News.

We’re Number One!

It’s not a number one position to be proud of, but the US has made it to the top of the coronavirus charts. Over eighty thousand are known infected in the states, more cases than Italy has reported and China has fessed up to. For those of you who thought it might take a few more days to make it to number one, you just underestimated American exceptionalism again. America, fuck yea. 

Boris gets the Bug.

Time again to spin the wheel of celebrity infections  If you picked British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, step right up and pick up your comb. Sky News is reporting that the British Prime Minister tested positive for coronavirus after experiencing mild symptoms. Johnson released the following statement on Twitter . For those wishing him death and politicizing his infection, this reporter says, are you sure that you can’t handle schadenfreude on the order of this magnitude?

Boris Johnson #StayHomeSaveLives on Twitter

Over the last 24 hours I have developed mild symptoms and tested positive for coronavirus. I am now self-isolating, but I will continue to lead the government’s response via video-conference as we fight this virus. Together we will beat this. #StayHomeSaveLives https://t.co/9Te6aFP0Ri

Mnuchin: Don’t worry be Happy.

Yesterday we reported on the massive three point three million jobless claims last week, today we report that the U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin has claimed on CNBC, well let’s let him speak for himself.  Those numbers are certainly relevant to folks out of work, dumbass. Look, we get what you’re saying, maybe all this is, hopefully, short term and it will all come roaring back once the virus burns out. But, come on, have a little heart and empathy when you open your mouth duchebag. 

Naked on the Exchange Bull.

The three day point gain on the New York Stock Exchange, the biggest three day gain since 1931, hit a brick wall on the open of the market today.  At opening the Dow slid more than eight hundred points. Still all this couldn’t stop one intrepid young woman from taking off her clothes and riding, or was it sliding, on the Financial District bull in the nude yesterday. The Overnight Underground web site has a link to the pict in all it’s blurry genitalia glory, it’s sort of like Wall Street Japanese porn, at overnight underground dot com. 

Mexican’s Demand Wall.

Oh the ironies of ironies, Mexicans are demanding stricter border controls. The BBC reports that those fabilouso Mesicans  are demanding a crackdown on Americans crossing the border, over fears of Mercan’s infected with coronavirus spreading the virus south of the border. In Sonora, just south of Arizona, the Messicans have promised to block traffic for a second day after closing a checkpoint on Wednesday. Come on, who are they kidding, the American virus cartels will just tunnel under. 

The Tubes are Slowing.

If it feels like your internet connection is slowing down, it probably is. With so many at home, the quarantined are using more and more bandwidth on the tubes, and it is slowing those tubes in many instances. According to Ookla, a broadband testing service, speeds have declined close to five percent. Deepfield, Nokia’s analytics service reports a three hundred percent surge in remote-conferencing programs in the past week. Video games have soared four hundred percent. Maybe a couple of you could try reading a book or listening to the radio from time to time. 

Hey, Free Guitar Lessons. 

Well here’s something useful. Lots of folks have been using the quarantine to pick up a new skill or spend some time upgrading a skill. Fender, the guitar company, is offering free on-line guitar courses for three months for the first one hundred thousand to sign up. Sign up at fender dot com slash play. The link is also available on the Overnight Underground website. 

Dylan Releases New ‘60s Track. 

Bob Dylan has released a new song to the quarantined world. After eight years of not releasing an original song, Dylan unleashes the tune “Murder Most Foul” a seventeen minute lyrically rambling original sure to delight Dylan fans and disgust Dylan detractors. It’s available to stream and download on multiple platforms, and once again, if you can’t find it yourself, that link is available on Overnight Underground dot Com. Dylan tweeted to all of us with wishes to, quote  “Stay safe, stay observant and may God be with you.”

bobdylan.com on Twitter

Greetings to my fans and followers with gratitude for all your support and loyalty across the years. This is an unreleased song we recorded a while back that you might find interesting. Stay safe, stay observant and may God be with you. Bob Dylan https://t.co/uJnE4X64Bb

San Francisco Drone Toilet Paper Delivery.

San Francisco may be on lockdown and a lot of folks are running low on toilet paper, because of you damn hoarders. Still one clever techie found a good use for his drone. And that’s not a euphemism.  He used it to deliver a roll of toilet paper to a friend in need across San Francisco. The link, again, available on the Overnight Underground website. It’s a pretty cool distraction to watch. Thank god the roll didn’t start unraveling during it’s travels. I’m kind of surprised no one has TP’d someone’s house using a drone yet. Shhh, don’t give anyone any ideas. 

Ian Chan on Twitter

When you need that t.p. but Amazon is out, and you’re not supposed to leave your house; tech San Francisco doesn’t fail. Thank you @chenosaurus for the speedy cross city delivery- I owe you one 🧻 https://t.co/Y4OZzoyCWH

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It’s the Overnight Underground Podcast, here’s the latest headlines.

Reusable Grocery bags. Celebrity’s with Infections. Your fingernails are spreaders. Unemployment explodes and dogs are the best. I’m John Ford and it’s the Overnight Underground News. 

Reusable Grocery bags told to take a hike. 

Remember the good ol’ days when you would get a dirty look for not bringing your reusable grocery bag to the store. Bringing one now, is likely to get you more than just a dirty look in some states. Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker has issued a temporary ban on reusable tote bags in grocery and pharmacy stores. And seeing that that is just about all that is open these days, that’s just about everywhere in the New England state. (bite-mass gov) Evil virus trumps evil plastic all the livelong day. 

Covid-19 could be seasonal.

Dr Fauchi, the one star from the daily press conferences from the White House, mentioned yesterday that coronavirus could become a seasonal infection. Fauchi, the head of infectious diseases at the National Institutes of Health believes that in the southern hemisphere, where winter is now underway, the virus is already taking root. All this underscores the need for a vaccine for Covid-19. Maybe global warming is our new best friend. Take that Greta. 

Kathy Griffin gets the bug.

Time to spin the wheel of celebrity infections. If you picked Kathy Griffin as the next celebrity to tweet their infection from their hospital bed, step right up winner, and pick up your severed, bleeding Trump head. Actually, we don’t know for sure if Griffin has the dreaded virus at this point, she says they haven’t given her the test and of course, Trump is to blame for the whole thing. Love him or hate him, Mr. Trump sure makes a good boogie man. Maybe they couldn’t test her because being a total self-centered attention whore nut-job isn’t a Covid-19 symptom. Still, if you want to see just how partisan and vile the world has become, just search twitter for hashtag Kathy griffin and cringe. Just make sure you put on your N 95 mask first to keep from gagging on the stench. 

Kathy Griffin on Twitter

He’s lying. I was sent to the #COVID19 isolation ward room in a major hospital ER from a separate urgent care facility after showing UNBEARABLY PAINFUL symptoms. The hospital couldn’t test me for #coronavirus because of CDC (Pence task force) restrictions. #TESTTESTTEST https://t.co/18fRiOBsdN

Trim your damn nails already

Hey, you, with those long, nasty ass fingernails, get out the clippers and cut em’. Metro UK reports that according to an Australian health worker, long nails are an incubator for the virus enemy. Those long nails are not only great places for germs and viruses to hide, they can also keep you from washing your hands properly, not to mention wiping your butt with less than four pounds of toilet paper. 

Forget about getting your damn nails done already

On a somewhat related note, some quarantined folks are getting pretty jinky over not being able to get their hair cut or nails done at the Galleria. Here’s one brilliant pundit on Fox news. Well, at least she said, it’s not a priority, twice. Wait, didn’t Saturday Night Live cover this. 

Unemployment goes off the rails

I’ll bet you’re not ready for this, somewhere in the neighborhood of three point three million American’s have filed for unemployment in the last week. Fed Chairman Jerome Powell on NBC’s Today Show. Still, almost three and a half million unemployment filings in a week. Jeeze Louise. The previous record was somewhere in the neighborhood of seven hundred thousand back in 1982.  Hit especially hard are states that rely heavily on tourism, like Florida and Nevada as well as oil and gas boom towns due to the falling price of oil. 

Bobby Lewis on Twitter

all my friends are saying you know, this is not a priority, people are dying and i realize that, but they can’t get their nails done” https://t.co/UnkqFdvvmp

Dogs and their place in the plague.

Well, here’s a coronavirus shortage most of us didn’t see coming. New York is running out of adoptable dogs. Toilet paper, hand sanitizer, eggs and bottled water are so last week, this week in the Big Apple it’s all about the K9’s. One pet adoption agency in the city reports that they are almost out of cats and dogs after a surge in applications in the past two weeks. With so many people stuck at home, a good companion that doesn’t talk back is a definite plus. Besides, having a dog gives you an actual reason to get out of the house so fido can take a constitutional.

The New York Post reports that in South Africa the government is cracking down on dog walking, and has banned walking your dog outside. In Spain, authorities have had to clamp down on illegal dog rentals. Yea, it’s a thing. It seems that folks have been renting out their dogs to people in Span itching to get outdoors. Rent your dog, get someone else to take it for a walk, profit.

South Africa bans walking dogs, Spain cracks down on ‘pet rentals’ amid coronavirus crisis

Governments around the world have started putting harsh restrictions on dogs to help minimize the spread of the deadly COVID-19 virus. Dog lovers in South Africa have been ordered not to take their beloved pets for a walk for three weeks, Police Minister Bheki Cele said at a news conference.

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