It’s the Overnight Underground, here’s today’s top stories: Mumblin’ Joe wins again. Covid-19 infects nearly a quarter million. China and Trump spin the blame game. Cuomo kisses and makes up with the Donald. Police ask criminals nicely not to commit crimes and in San Francisco, weed is an essential service. I’m John Ford and this is the Overnight Underground News.
It’s not all doom and gloom coronavirus news out in there in great beyond just past your quarantined four walls, there’s also the doom and gloom of the election. Slow Joe Biden picked up primary wins in Arizona, Florida and Illinois, or as they used to call it in Vegas, before they shut the doors on the casinos, he’s running the Democratic tables. Following his victory, in a mumbling and meandering, speech, Biden deftly targeted the existential threat that is a danger to us all, world wide with impending death, economic ruin and making toilet paper our new currency .
Worldwide coronavirus cases are approaching a quarter of a million infected. Just over two hundred thousand cases have been reported across the globe. More than half of the cases are in China, but the virus is spreading faster than Tom Hanks Vegemite with the other couple of hundred thousand well beyond the Chinese borders.
Yesterday, one of Presidents Trump’s tweets caused quite a stir online, when he referred to Covid-19 as the Chinese virus. This caused the twitter outrage mob to be, well outraged, with the perpetually offended calling Trump a racist. China didn’t like it much either, they’ve now implied that the virus is in-fact a US bioweapon that was unleashed on the unsuspecting, bat chewing, pangolin munching Chinese. Trump had this to say about the issue in yesterday’s press conference.
Meanwhile China’s finger wagging and saber rattling went beyond rhetoric yesterday as Taiwanese fighter jets intercepted Chinese military aircraft off Taiwan’s southern coast. The Chinese said no worries, no need to panic, they were just looking for more exotic animals to slaughter in our wet markets. China, by the way, has also moved to show journalists the door. And is set to expel journalists from The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal. The Chinese government said the journo’s will not be allowed to operate in Macao or Hong Kong, typically where journalists blocked by Beijing relocate to continue their work, uncensored by the People’s Republic of bat snackers.
Taiwan says it scrambled its air force to drive away Chinese military planes that had flown into its airspace late Monday. The island’s Defense Ministry said a group of Chinese fighter jets and surveillance planes flew into the waters off of Taiwan’s southwestern coast as part of nighttime exercises, coming close to its air defense identification zone.
More proof that it might just be the end of the world, New York State’s King, Governor had this to say yesterday during a press conference related to the Federal response to coronavirus Come on folks, we can’t have this kind of level-headed and measured response in this time of crisis. I would appreciate it, just for pure entertainment value, if you could shift all your responses to include the word “nazi” and make sure they all your critical posts and reports end with the phrase “orange man bad.”
In other pandemic news, the EU has sealed all of its external borders for 30 days. The US has shut its borders with Canada for all but essential travel. New Yorkers may be asked to shelter in place in their spacious one hundred and fifty foot apartments. According to some computer models, stealth Covid-19 cases, that is folks with the virus walking around with no or very few symptoms, account for eighty six percent of those infected. The White House is considering cutting a check to Americans to help with the current economic crisis. It’s estimated that unemployment in the US could reach twenty percent. And the US Treasury Secretary announced on Tuesday, taxpayers are getting a ninety day reprieve for paying federal taxes.
Police departments across the country are asking criminals not to commit crimes during the coronavirus crisis. Police in Ohio, Wisconsin, Kentucky, Utah and Washington have taken to social media to plead with criminals not to do what criminals do, crime. The good news is, it looks like the crime rate will go down, not because of a decrease in crime, but due to police not arresting folks for committing crimes. Worldwide jails are releasing those incarcerated and prisoners have been arguing for release, due to the dangers of coronavirus in jail. Police in Philly and other cities have announced that they will not be making arrests, or as they put it they will be making “delaying arrests” for non-violent crimes. I hope you are stocked up on ammo for Purge 2020: Election Year. And in the UK, Criminal trials that will take longer than three days are to be put on hold, due to the coronavirus pandemic.
With many states in the US now with either legalized or decriminalized pot laws, you may not have to worry about being busted for a joint. And in San Francisco, they’ve taken it a step further. Your local bar may closed, but don’t fret, you can still shop for weed at the local dispensary. San Francisco’s ‘shelter in place’ won’t affect your favorite pot shop, according to the Examiner. The stores are deemed ‘essential services’ for medical marijuana users. dude. If you do get some fierce munchies, may I suggest that you try chowing down on some delicious toilet paper.
Customers line up for online orders outside Grass Roots Dispensary on Tuesday, March 17, 2020. Grass Roots was one of a few dispensaries in the City that stayed open after a shelter-in-place order Monday that closed most non-essential services. (Kevin N. Hume/S.F.
A Vancouver woman is currently under nomination for the dumbass of the week award. According to the Irish Post, the intrepid woman named Miley, thought she was doing the right thing by washing her hands with warm soapy water. But it turns out that the soap she was using was just a piece of cheddar cheese she left out on the kitchen counter. Miley told the Post, quote: “It was a couple days of ‘Why isn’t this foaming? I come to realize it was a dried-out square of Tillamook sharp cheddar cheese.I suspect I left it out when I was intoxicated and just forgot.” All she needs now is nicotine stains and hairy underarms to successfully complete her French conversion therapy.
A WOMAN in the US has become the laughing stock of the internet after revealing she has spent the past few days mistakenly washing her hands with a block of cheese, rather than a bar of soap. Miley from Vancouver, Washington thought she was doing her bit to stop the spread of coronavirus by thoroughly washing her hands with a bar of soap.