Overnight Underground News May 27th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines: 

Death and riots in Minneapolis. Protests and tear gas in Hong Kong. Twitter and Trump are playing a game of twitter chicken.  Prostitutes face coronavirus restrictions. Squirt gun baptisms and getting bit by a black widow won’t give you superpowers. 

These stories and more on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Minneapolis goes nuts 

The video of a Minneapolis Cop kneeling on the neck of a handcuffed man next to a police car is honestly just too brutal to watch. Especially when you consider the man, gasping and pleading with the police for breath, died following the callous treatment by the cops. The Star Tribune reports that four officers have been fired following the death of 47-year-old George Floyd. Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey. Twenty four hours following the death of Floyd, on the streets of Minneapolis police and protesters clashed within a mele of bottles, rubber bullets and tear gas. A police precinct and multiple police vehicles were trashed in the rioting. The sound of protesters breaking shit recorded by KMSP TV. The FBI and Minnesota state authorities are reportedly investigating Floyd’s death. 

Hong Kong’s not so quiet riot

Meanwhile on the other side of the planet similar scenes played out on the streets of Hong Kong with clashes between pro-democracy protesters and police. That’s the sound of Hong Kong police breaking shit and shooting pepper guns at protesters. The BBC reports hundreds of people were arrested as Hong Kong citizens took to the streets to demonstrate against a proposed Chinese national security law. Some Hong Kongers compared the scene on the streets of the city to marshal law, with stop and search checkpoints set up in the city and riot police taking a zero tolerance stance. Chief Executive and Beijing mouthpiece Carrie Lam doing her best to assure Hong Kong’s citizens that the Chinese commies are just well meaning really nice guys.  Chinese authorities have said that they will act against foreign interference in Hong Kong and state run media has called US threats of sanctions  a quote, ‘nothingburger.’  Wouldn’t a nothing noodle be more apropos? Speaking of burgers, according to the South China Morning Post, Chinese authorities have shut down a WeChat conspiracy social media account claiming the US was using dead bodies to make hamburgers. The world just gets a little stranger and scarier every single day. 

Trump and Twitter spar

Twitter and the Prez are still going at each other again today. For the first time Twitter added a  ‘Unsubstantiated’ warning to two of President Trump’s Tweets. On Tuesday, Trump twatted that supplying voters with mail-in ballots would be, quote: “substantially fraudulent.” Twitter flagged the posts  awith a warning that Trump was making a quote, “unsubstantiated claim.” Trump’s campaign manager released a statement criticizing Twitter’s policy. And so it goes, this should sell a lot of popcorn.

Prostitutes get Covid restrictions

Well we didn’t see this one coming. In Switzerland sex workers will limit customers to two positions which will allegedly ‘minimise the risk of transmitting coronavirus.’ According to the Daily Mail, the guidelines will only include sex positions which allow for safe distances between faces and the washing of bed sheets between each customer. That sounds like a lot of loads, of laundry. We’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. 

Squirt gun Baptisms are a thing now

Last week we had the story about the priest using a squirt gun to bless parishioners during holy week. This week, a priest in the US  is using a water pistol to baptise an infant. And you know, from the twatted picture, you can tell that Father Flatsky, or whatever the hell his name is, has some range time under his cloak with a pretty good weaver stance. Another priest in Canada has kicked it up a notch, it appears he’s using a super soaker for infant baptism. I’m sure Republican Jesus does indeed approve.

Cosmic donuts

Astronomers have captured images of a donut-shaped ‘cosmic ring of fire’ that existed some eleven billion years ago.  According to the study published in the journal Nature, the ring of fire cosmic donut galaxy formed when two separate galaxies smashed into one another. Think of it like a kind of cosmic copulation or an intergalactic t bone. 

Paging Peter Parker

OK dumbass, having a black widow spider bite you will not give you superpowers. According to Telemundo, three Bolivian brothers were hospitalized after prodding a black widow spider with a stick to get the nasty little bastard to bite them. Of course, they all thought the bite would turn them into Spider-Man, silly boys, we all know that it only works with a radioactive spider. In fact, the black widow bites turned them into crying twits writhing in pain. To make a long story even longer, the trio spent close to a week in the hospital recovering from the spider bites. 

It’s a poopy burger stand

In Clearfield, Pennsyltucky Billy’s Burgerland is taking some sh*t for opening up the restaurant and resuming dine in service. WJAC reports a man threw a bottle of sewage at the restaurant in retaliation for reopening.  According to the owner of Billy’s Burgerland, a man asked one of the waitresses if they were in compliance with the CDC’s guidelines and then threw a mountain dew bottle full of sewage and replied let’s see if you get any customers now. Maybe they could change to Chinese food and start serving poo poo platters. Besides, someone told me the place might be a dump anyway. Hey I’m here all week, try the veal.

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